Things I Cannot Do When With the Flock
by LunaPadma
Summary: There are certain things you can't do when with the Flock. Each item has a story attached...


_**Disclaimer: I don't own Maximum Ride, the songs, anything Harry Potter related, anything Twilight related, Buffy the Vampire Slayer related, Charlie Bone related, Alice in Wonderland related, or Chuck Norris. Or anything you recognize**_

_Things I am not allowed to do when with the Flock_

_1-I am not allowed to sing "Defying Gravity"_

"I think I'll try defying gravity!" Nadia sang, loudly. And off-key. She threw her arms out and soared to the left.

Fang flew next to her. "Look, if you want to be in this Flock, you have _got_ to stop singing that song!"

"What? Defying Gravity? But I am!"

"Well, you're not allowed to sing that song!"

_I am not allowed to sing "I believe I can fly"_

"I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky!" Nadia sang. For the forty-third time.

Fang groaned. "You can't sing that either!"

_3-I am not allowed to sing parodies of "I believe I can fly"_

"I believe I can die! My mother hit me with a French fry! All I wanted was a chicken wing! That came from Burger King!" Guess who was singing.

Iggy yelled, "Didn't Fang just tell you that you couldn't sing that?"

"This is completely different! It's a _parody_ of 'I Believe I Can Fly!' That's different!"

"No parodies of 'I Believe I Can Fly!'" Max yelled.

_4-I am not allowed to sing "You can fly" from Peter Pan_

"You can fly! You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!" Nadia (of course) sang. The Flock was getting very annoyed.

Iggy groaned. "Shut up! You can't sing that song either! You are _murdering_ my poor eardrums!"

"But then what can I sing?" Nadia asked. She looked sad.

_5-I am not allowed to sing any songs relating to flying _

"Nothing related to flying, okay?"

_6-Every time we blow off a school, I must not start singing Pink Floyd's "Just Another Brick in the Wall Part Two"_

The Flock had decided (again) that they didn't want or need schooling. And the world? Yeah, still not saved.

"We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control…" Someone was singing. And it was kind of obvious who.

"Are you gonna sing that every time we blow off a school?" Gazzy asked.

Nadia nodded.

"You aren't allowed to sing that song!" Angel screamed.

"Deranged much?" Nadia muttered.

_7-If I sing "Max and Fang sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g" one more time, they will expel me from the flock_

"Max and Fa-ang sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Faxie in the baby carriage!" It was Nadia (obviously).

"Now look here, you little pipsqueak, you sing that one more time and you are _out_ of this flock!" Max was very threatening sometimes.

_8-Singing is prohibited_

"I do believe in Nargles!" Nadia sang. Or screamed.

"You aren't allowed to sing anymore!" Nudge yelled.

_9-Fang chose the name "Fang" because he liked the name, not because he is a vampire_

"Fang is a vampire, Fang is a vampire, Fang is a vampire…" Nadia was skipping and chanting.

"I chose the name Fang because it sounded cool! It is not irrefutable proof that I am a vampire and want to suck people's blood!"

_10-Iggy is not a lizard in disguise and I should stop saying so_

"Iggy, are you a lizard?"

"No. I'm part bird and part human."

"Not even a little bit?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Iggy is a lizard!"

"Do I look like a lizard?"

"Iggy is a lizard in disguise!"

"I am not a lizard in disguise!"

"Yes he is!"

"Stop _saying_ that!"

_11-Iggy is not in love with that gecko I saw a while back_

"Iggy, what did you think of that gecko back there?"

"Oh, uh…what?"

"Max, turn the car around! We must rescue Iggy's lady love!"

"I am not in love with that gecko!"

_12-Or any other lizard_

"How about that lizard?"

"I am not in love with a lizard!"

_13-Or reptile_

"How about that rattlesnake on the rock?"

"I am not in love with a reptile!"

_14-Or mutant reptiles_

"Hey, Max, are there mutant reptiles?"

"Um…yeah…I think so."

"You think they're still alive?"

"Probably not."

"Iggy, I am so sorry for your loss."

"I am not in love with a mutant reptile!"

"Of course not, they're all dead. But you were in love with one, I'm sure."

"No I wasn't!"

"Denial is the first stage…"

_15-If Iggy is in love with anyone, it is likely a member of the flock or a full-human, not an animal_

"Nadia, don't you think that if Iggy were in love with anyone, it'd be a member of the Flock or a full-human?"

"Thank you, Nudge! You are exactly right!"

_16-Max's full name is Maximum, not Maximilian_

"So, Maximilian, how are you?"

"Maximilian?"

"What else is Max short for?"

"Um, try _Maximum_?"

_17-When you yell "M-Geeks", "Robots!", or "Erasers!", the flock tends to freak out. They do not like it when your next words are "Madja look!"_

"M-Geeks!" Nadia screamed.

The Flock went all back-to-back so they could see where they came from.

"Hahaha! Madja look!"

Five minutes later-

"Sweet mother of Lucius Malfoy! There's some weird robot over there! Oh my gosh, there are more!"

The Flock went into fight-or-flight mode.

"Madja look!"

Five minutes later-

"Erasers!"

Fang sighed. "Everyone get ready!"

"Madja look! Madja look again!"

"Stop doing that!" Max yelled. "You are not allowed to do that!"

_18-Fang's mother was not a secret agent or spy, even if he can do the creepy blending in_

"Fang, I think your mom was a secret agent."

"She wasn't."

"How about a spy? She could be all Mata Hari! That'd be so cool!"

"Mata Hari got all her information from sleeping with people. That's less cool."

"If your mom wasn't a secret agent or a spy, how come you do the whole blendy-inny thing? Unless you stole an invisibility cloak and then ate it!"

"Um…gene splicing."

_19-Iggy does not need a Seeing Eye dog_

"Iggy, you need a seeing-eye dog."

"Nadia, no I don't."

_20-Total cannot be Iggy's Seeing Eye dog_

"Total could be your seeing-eye dog! You wouldn't even have to train him! And he could warn you about airplanes and hang-gliders and stuff!"

Total and Iggy screamed, simultaneously, "No!"

_21-Just because I have wings does not mean that I can eat worms_

"I don't understand! I'm part bird, aren't I?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"Then I don't see a problem." Nadia folded her arms.

"Nadia, just because you're part bird doesn't mean you can eat worms."

_22-Birdbaths are off limits, because I will break it, scare off the birds, and cause the poor property owners to have to buy a new one, and they will wonder how the other one broke._

"I can't believe you, Nadia! We want to remain incognito! We can't afford this sort of attention!"

"Max, I'm not the one who went on national television. Or the one with the blog."

"That's not considered property damage."

"What do you call taking money out of someone's bank account?"

"We needed that!"

"Look, Nadia, birdbaths are off-limits. You will end up breaking it. You will scare off the birds. You will get us covered in bird poop. And you will cause the property owners to have to buy a new one. Also, seeing the birdbath broken by some heavy object might freak them out."

"I am not that fat!"

_23-Angel does not appreciate when you use Celeste to test out bombs_

"Nadia, give her back!"

"Angel, we needed her! Bombs don't test themselves!"

_24-Iggy does not like when you rearrange the furniture_

"Nadia, what did you do?"

"What do you mean, Iggy?"

"Why did you rearrange the furniture?"

"I didn't!"

"It was arranged in the shape of an N."

"I am not the only one whose name begins with an N. Did you interrogate Nudge?"

"You would be the only one to do this."

"Innocent until proven guilty, remember that. Innocent until proven guilty."

"Well, you aren't allowed to rearrange the furniture."

"Well, I guess I can't put the furniture back then…"

_25-I am not Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Fang does not appreciate my attempted staking of him_

"Why, Nadia, why? Is there even a reason?"

"I am just trying to save humanity."

"By trying to stake Fang in the heart?"

"I blame my alter-ego. And Sarah Michelle Geller."

"Your alter-ego is not Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And neither are you."

"My alter-ego and I are the same person."

_26-Setting all of Gazzy and Iggy's bombs in Nudge's closet is forbidden_

"Gazzy!"

"What?"

"You set all of your bombs in my closet!"

"Um…actually that was me."

"NADIA!"

_27-Or Max's closet_

"Nadia, why did you set off bombs in my closet?"

"Uh…your clothes were ugly?"

_28-Or anyone's closet_

"You can't set off bombs in anyone's closet, okay?"

"Fine…"

_29-Setting off any or all of Gazzy and Iggy's bombs is banned. Period._

"In fact, you can't set off any or all of Iggy and Gazzy's bombs."

"What? It's my right to bear arms! The second amendment!"

_30-I am not allowed within fifteen feet of Iggy and Gazzy's bombs_

"Someone stole all of our bombs."

"Nadia…"

"I wasn't gonna set them off. I was gonna make other people do that."

"You can't be within fifteen feet of Iggy and Gazzy's bombs!"

"Are other bombs okay?"

_31-I am not "Fang's vampire mate"_

"Fang!" Nadia leapt onto him, and they hit the ground.

"Nadia, are you feeling okay?"

"Didja miss me, Fang? Huh?"

"Um…no."

"Nadia, what are you doing to Fang?"

"Oh, he's my vampire mate."

"Nadia, you are not my vampire mate!"

"Well, that's news to me!"

_32-Fang is not a bank robber _

"Hey, Fang, how's it going?"

"Good…"

"Robbed any banks lately?"

"I'm not a bank robber."

"You sure about that?"

_33-Fang is not a criminal. Okay, he kind of is, but that does not mean he should be arrested_

"Nadia, why did you call the cops?"

"We were harboring a known criminal."

"Fang is not a criminal!"

Nadia gave Max a look.

"Okay, he kind of is, but that doesn't mean he should be arrested!"

_34-I am not allowed to sell Fang's molting feathers to fangirls_

"Okay, everyone, step right up! We have something rare today! I have managed to obtain one of Fang's primaries! Let's start the bidding at one dollar!"

"One dollar!"

"Three dollars!"

"Five dollars!"

"Six!"

"Six-fifty!"

"What's going on?"

"Uh…Max! Six-fifty going once, twice, sold! Come and collect your prize!"

"Were you _selling_ one of Fang's molten feathers?"

"Yeah…"

"Don't do that any more! And give back the money!"

"What? That's, like, a normal-person meal at McDonald's!"

_35-I am not allowed to sell anything to fangirls_

"Iggy's boxers for 25 dollars. Do I hear 25 dollars?"

"25 dollars!"

"Thirty!"

"Nadia! You can't sell anything to fangirls!"

"Thirty dollars it is!" Nadia threw the boxers at the fangirl and grabbed her money.

Then she ran.

_36-I am not allowed to sell anything_

"Nadia, in light of your selling things to the fangirls-"

"Yeah, you sold my favorite boxers.

Nadia snorted. "They had leprechauns on them. Dancing leprechauns."

Iggy blushed.

Nadia suddenly looked crushed. "If you had told me they were your favorite boxers-"

"You wouldn't have sold them?"

"No, don't be ridiculous. I would've demanded more money for them. If I had known they were your favorite, I could've made fifty bucks! At least!"

Max cleared her throat. "You are not allowed to sell anything."

_37-I am not allowed to convince people to sell things for me_

"Don't worry, Nudge, you won't get in trouble. And I'll make you a batch of cookies, if you just go out there and sell this." Nadia held up a book, entitled 'Gazzy's Diary'.

"Why are you selling Gazzy's diary?"

"Because girls will buy it because it talks about Iggy and Fang."

"Okay."

And then the Gasman walked in. "You're not allowed to sell anything!" he yelled.

"I only convinced Nudge to sell it for me! That is different!"

"You can't do that either! And give me back my diary!"

_38-I am not allowed to bribe people to sell things for me_

"Angel, Angel, Angel. All I want you to do is go out there and sell this tiny insignificant little lock of Fang's hair for upwards of a hundred dollars and I will give you twenty bucks. It's very simple."

"Aren't you not allowed to convince people to sell things for you?"

"I'm bribing you. There is a difference."

"I don't think you're allowed to do that either."

"So?"

"Lemme put it this way: I forbid you from bribing people to sell thing for you."

_39-I am not allowed to be involved in any sort of transaction, monetary or otherwise_

"In light of your previous exploits, we," Max gestured at the Flock behind her. "Forbid you," she gestured at Nadia. "to be involved in any transaction, monetary or otherwise."

_40-I am not allowed to get Gazzy to imitate Max saying "I love you Fang. Will you marry me?"_

"Are you ready, Gazzy?"

"I was born ready."

"GO!"

In Max's voice, Gazzy said, "I love you, Fang. Will you marry me?"

Max ran down the stairs and grabbed Gazzy by the collar .Gazzy screamed. "It was Nadia! She told me to do it!" he yelled.

Nadia ran.

_41-I am not allowed to get Gazzy to imitate voices on my behalf_

"Nadia. You are not allowed to get Gazzy to imitate voices on your behalf. Okay?"

"Why don't you punish the other members of the Flock, huh, Max? Why just me?"

"Other members of the Flock don't try to eat worms."

"Touché."

_42-Max and Fang do not appreciate my attempts to set them up_

Max stared at a note that said-

_Max-_

_Will you go out with me? Let's meet at the IHOP off the highway on Wednesday at six PM._

_Love,_

_Fang_

"FANG!" Max yelled. "GET IN HERE!"

Fang entered the room silently. "Yeah?"

"Fang, did you send this?"

Fang examined the letter. "No." he said. "But that's odd…"

"What's odd?"

"I got a letter just like this, only with the names switched. Weird…"

"NADIA! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SET ME AND FANG UP!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW IT WAS ME!" Nadia yelled back.

"FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, THEN!"

_43-Iggy and Nudge do not appreciate my attempts to set them up_

"Nudge, did you ask me out to here?"

"No. I thought you asked _me_ out to here."

"It was probably Nadia."

"I'll tell her that she can't set us up."

_44-Iggy and Ella do not appreciate my attempts to set them up_

"Nadia, you can't set me and Ella up!"

"Why? You look so cute together!"

_45-I am not allowed to set anyone up_

"Nadia, you can't set people up anymore! Setting Gazzy and Fang up was pushing it too far."

"It was in the interest of humor! It was _funny_!"

"Not to us!" The Gasman and Fang said simultaneously.

_46-Total and Akila can plan their own wedding_

"So I was thinking a pale blue, and maybe a silver. And then we could get orchids, and-"

"Nadia," Total interrupted. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, didn't I tell you? I'm gonna help you plan your wedding. So what color were you thinking?"

"We can plan our own wedding, Nadia."

_47-Max and Fang aren't getting married anytime soon_

"I feel left out," Nadia proclaimed one day. "I mean, everybody else knows, but not me."

"Knows what?" Fang asked suspiciously.

"When the wedding is, of course!"

"What wedding?"

"Yours and Max's. Duh."

Max was so shocked, she accidentally spat orange juice on Ella. "Fang and I aren't getting married anytime soon!" she squeaked.

"So you're getting married later?"

"I NEVER SAID THAT!"

"You implied."

_48-Iggy is not getting married anytime soon_

"How about you, Iggy?"

"Yes, I will always take more bacon."

"No, when's your wedding?"

Iggy was so surprised, he also spat orange juice on Ella. Poor Ella. She's not having a good day, is she? "I'm not getting married anytime soon, either!" he croaked.

_49-I am not allowed to arrange Iggy's marriage to my pet gecko, Squeakers_

"Iggy, we need you! It's dreadfully important!" Nadia screamed, grabbing his arm.

Within moments, Iggy was duct-taped to a chair, which was positioned next to an end table with a cage on it. In the cage was a small gecko, sunning itself on a rock.

"Squeakers, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, so as long as you both shall live?" Nadia intoned.

The lizard, Squeakers, flicked out its tongue.

"And Iggy, do you take this gecko to be your lawfully wedded wife, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, so as long as you both shall live?"

"You can't arrange my wedding to…to _Squeakers!_" Iggy protested.

"She's a girl, I swear." Nadia said quickly.

"It's not that I object to!"

"I guess you're right. It is a little undignified."

"A _little?_"

_50-Even if I rename it_

"Iggy do you take Lydia to be your lawfully wedded wife, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, so as long as you both shall live?"

Iggy blanched. "I didn't mind the name, I minded the species!"

"Oh," said Nadia quietly. "I see how it is. Well then. Goodbye, Iggy." She walked down the stairs.

"Nadia, you have to untape me! NADIA! Anyone?" Iggy called, forgetting that the rest of the Flock was out shopping. He looked over at Squeakers. "Can you untape me?" he asked.

Very slowly, the gecko got up, turned 180 degrees and lay back down, so that her tail was facing Iggy.

"So that's a no, I take it?"


End file.
